Community Corner

How Parents Can Support Their Grieving Teens

The Resource Counselor of the Anne Arundel County Schools provides guidance on how adults can help kids who are finding it hard to understand the loss of a peer.

Editor's Note:  The Broadneck community has recently been hit hard by the realities of the death of friends and loved ones, including the passing of a beloved coach, a young college student, and now this week, the death of two local teens, one at Severn River Middle and . Often times, parents just don't know how to help their children feel better.

Lucia Martin, a Resource Counselor for Anne Arundel County Public Schools, has written parents this note of guidance to help children work through their questions and sadness:

It can be difficult for you to comfort and support your child when you are grieving yourself.  You may not want to discuss the death with your child because you don’t want to upset them – or to have them see that you are sad or upset. However, teens need their parent’s help when dealing with grief as much as younger children do.

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Teens grieve differently from adults. They grieve deeply, but often work very hard to hide their feelings. They look for distractions rather than stay with the grief process long enough to find real relief. Teens can act as if nothing has happened while they are breaking up inside. Teens sometimes take on the role of caregiver to family and friends to avoid experiencing their own grief.

To help your teen through the grieving process, it is important to listen and watch them to find opportunities to help them talk about what they are feeling.  Because teens are often concerned about fitting in, they don’t want to draw attention to themselves and may not feel comfortable talking about their feelings, especially with adults who they believe may discount their feelings and give them advice rather than simply listening to them. Don’t force it – your teen will talk with you when the time is right if you let him/her know that you are there to listen. When your teen is ready to talk with you, make time to listen with your full attention.

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Here are some things you can do:

  • Let your teen react to the loss in his/her own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
  • Allow your teen to vent and question. In a sudden loss, there is often a feeling of confusion and injustice about the death.
  • Give your teen time and space to grieve. Don’t be surprised if months later he/she is very emotional all over again about the loss.
  • Reassure him/her that grief is normal. It may be helpful to visit some of the suggested websites with your teen to help him/her learn about the grieving process and the feelings associated with it.
  • Recognize that extreme behaviors may be a reaction to the loss, but set reasonable limits on those behaviors to make sure that your teen is safe.
  • Be aware of your teen’s social networking and other online activities.  Talk with him/her about any memorial pages or online interactions regarding the loss.

If you notice unusual or extreme behaviors that continue over time, contact your school counselor, school psychologist, school social worker, school nurse, or family doctor to decide if your teen may need counseling support. (Though school is closed for students in the summer, counselors work 12 months a year, and are available during school hours if needed.) Some teens may need professional support to cope with their feelings of grief and loss.

And here are some resources that could be of support to your family --

"No Time For Goodbyes" by Janice Harris Lord. Appropriate for older adolescents, this book deals with the sorrow, anger, and feelings of injustice after a violent or sudden death. (Non-fiction - available on Amazon.com)

Hospice website.  Helping Teenagers Cope With Grief. Very good article for parents about how to help your grieving teen.

University of Florida extension webpage.  Learning to Live Through Loss: For Teens Facing Loss. Good article for teens about what they may experience in their loss. Good resource list also.

The Dougy Center website.  How to Help a Grieving Teen.


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